Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is… Love!? Who’s been screwing with this thing? Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do? When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.

• Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.
• I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

Please do not offer my god a peanut. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about! Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!

1. I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.
2. Thank you, steal again.
3. Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!
4. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
5. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!”

“Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV! Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life. Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.

Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?! Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Me fail English? That’s unpossible.

Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city! Me fail English? That’s unpossible. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.

Please do not offer my god a peanut. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!” That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!”

A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life. Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. D’oh. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.

I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children… How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? Me fail English? That’s unpossible.